Before you came

There were moments when I questioned whether the life I had chosen could accept you next to me, I questioned whether there was enough space for you…

I questioned and dismissed everything I’d seen modelled in the world of relationships.
I was calling you in, and then dropped it, because I thought… I was cooler than that.
I didn’t want to do anything to make things happen anymore, I wanted to surrender and to let life do whatever she wanted… and the question of whether she would manifest you or not… I didn’t want to be bothered by that.
I thought of myself as a freak and a doubtful Tantra teacher, incapable of making relationships work.
I thought of myself as someone who could not choose right, who kept imagining things about men and falling in love with their potential.
I used to be the one who’d choose her next man and make him mine even before he’d notice me.
I then became someone who was being chosen and chased and inevitably submitted to the predator: I’d just fall for the warmth and attention.
I then surrendered all of the above, gave away the need to seduce, and to be seduced… It felt really empty without seduction games for a while. Then I arrived at peace, and stayed celibate for many months.
I thought I couldn’t trust my choices, so it was better to let them go completely.
I wondered if I’d already missed my real soulmate.
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Nadya

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Nadya